I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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