PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
