Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Houston, we have a squirter
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
