Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
