just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
