nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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