I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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