I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
