"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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