you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
