Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
