Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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