I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
