It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
