im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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