mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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