So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
