You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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