Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
