We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
