FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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