I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
