i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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