dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
