There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize