Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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