i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
