i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
