I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
