Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
