Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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