There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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