Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
