The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
