I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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