What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You made out with two different species that night
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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