Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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