im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
