please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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