She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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