In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
