fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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