Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
