she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
