I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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