Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
