she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
