You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
