i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
