I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize