Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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