Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
