mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
