you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
