im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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